now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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