Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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