I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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