that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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