From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
