I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
