I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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