Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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