JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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