I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
