he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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