Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
