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I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
