Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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