shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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