i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
