found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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