I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
