Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
