Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
