This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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