the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
