Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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