I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
In America we eat man semen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
