I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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