My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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