just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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