i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
