Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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