i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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