Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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