Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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