I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
