Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
