I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
