So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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