i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
