Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
