Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
the liver wants what the liver wants
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
