so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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