and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
