This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
