took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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