I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just want nice things and good sex
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
