He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
