If that was your dad, he is hot
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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