I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
