Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
