I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
