i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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