This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
