I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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