the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize