No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
