i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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