dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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