Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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