Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
