i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
