Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
