Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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