I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
