my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
