She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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