If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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